I try to avoid having crucial conversations. If there's a conflict, especially if its revealing deep facts about my character or someone's character, I'm the first one to run for the door. The impact of such an approach at an organization, working in a group or more specifically, at a school has devastating effects. In the book Crucial Conversations, four times NY Times best-selling author Kerry Patterson argues that at the heart of every conflict there is a conversation that we could be holding to better enhance our working relationships and ultimately, improve the organizations and people that we serve, in this specific case, schools. I had the wonderful opportunity to facilitate a series of Crucial Conversations workshop recently and the group was particularly small, yet contentious. At first glance, staff entered the room just as any other participants would enter, however, it was not before long that I began to see noticeable differences in this group than in others.
As I framed the work for the day, much like I have in this blog post, citing the importance of holding conversations, and sharing what results when we do not hold these conversations can sometimes be deadly. I cited the 1980's Challenger deadly explosion that left seven astronauts dead and that upon further investigation, discovered that the faulty "O-Rings" indeed did not handle cold temperatures, some information that was withheld by engineers afraid to share with their supervisors. One participant argued vehemently that it was not simply a result of people afraid not to talk one another but rather simply, "poor decision making." He was angry and rightfully so as there was not a sincere interest to be there. There are two choices that people make when they fail to communicate, either silence, the act of not speaking at all, walking out on someone or violence, which can include sarcasm, deflecting, and bullying just to name a few. I went ahead and did some role-playing where one of my colleagues took my car and crashed it over the weekend. During the role play, my partner completely deflecting and actually ended up accusing me of being a poor friend. It was definitely an act of violence but ironically, the crowd agreed with my so-called friend who, in this role-play crashed my car without telling me. One participant, who hadn't spoken at all during the entire training confidently sided with my role-playing, drunk-driving friend by declaring, after I asked about friendship: "Heck yeah, I definitely still be his friend. Good friends are good to come by." No matter that this friend lied, attacked me and accused me of being a poor friend. Nope it was all my fault. Anyway, if you find yourself stuck in conversations, review these guidelines to approach conversations where emotions are high and the person you are speaking with has a completely different opinion than you:
As I framed the work for the day, much like I have in this blog post, citing the importance of holding conversations, and sharing what results when we do not hold these conversations can sometimes be deadly. I cited the 1980's Challenger deadly explosion that left seven astronauts dead and that upon further investigation, discovered that the faulty "O-Rings" indeed did not handle cold temperatures, some information that was withheld by engineers afraid to share with their supervisors. One participant argued vehemently that it was not simply a result of people afraid not to talk one another but rather simply, "poor decision making." He was angry and rightfully so as there was not a sincere interest to be there. There are two choices that people make when they fail to communicate, either silence, the act of not speaking at all, walking out on someone or violence, which can include sarcasm, deflecting, and bullying just to name a few. I went ahead and did some role-playing where one of my colleagues took my car and crashed it over the weekend. During the role play, my partner completely deflecting and actually ended up accusing me of being a poor friend. It was definitely an act of violence but ironically, the crowd agreed with my so-called friend who, in this role-play crashed my car without telling me. One participant, who hadn't spoken at all during the entire training confidently sided with my role-playing, drunk-driving friend by declaring, after I asked about friendship: "Heck yeah, I definitely still be his friend. Good friends are good to come by." No matter that this friend lied, attacked me and accused me of being a poor friend. Nope it was all my fault. Anyway, if you find yourself stuck in conversations, review these guidelines to approach conversations where emotions are high and the person you are speaking with has a completely different opinion than you:
- State the facts: Share what you are feeling and your perspective of the situation without any judgement statements
- Tell you story: include the story of the situation as you see it
- Ask for others opinion: ask the person to share their side of the story
- Talk tentatively: begin to seek understanding of the situation from both vantage points and ask additional questions as need to gain insights and common ground
- Encourage testing: this is where both parties begin to identify solutions to prevent future problems and restore the relationship
As I've stated before, I'm not the best communicator, but most definitely see the framework as one in which, if used over time, can be a real tool to help personal and professional relationships thrive when values, trust, love, and hope is broken. The failure to hold these conversations severely hinders our ability to achieve greatness in our schools and one another. Otherwise, our inactions can lead to car wrecks or worse the death of the things we love and work for.
No comments:
Post a Comment